


What I Never Told You

by fits_in_frames



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-21
Updated: 2004-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-21 11:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1549340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fits_in_frames/pseuds/fits_in_frames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I can't say "I'm leaving." But you've got me all figured out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Never Told You

"It is time, Frodo." I stay as collected as I can as Gandalf says my name. Merry and Pip have been weeping since we got to the Havens, but you, Sam, you've just got a pained smile. Now you turn to me, trying to hold back. Oh Sam.

"What does he mean?" Your voice is cracking, Sam. It takes all the strength in me to look at you.

I take a silent breath and explain what I have to do, "We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved—but not for me." I can't come out and say it, Sam. I can't say "I'm leaving." But you've got me all figured out.

"You don't mean that. You can't leave." The hurt in your voice is almost too much for me. The hurt in my heart is even worse. I try not to let it overpower me, but the tears streaming down your face—no, I won't.

I hand you the Red Book: "The last pages are for you, Sam." That's why I left them blank, my dear Sam. I unlock my eyes from yours reluctantly. I must say goodbye to my cousins.

First Merry. The happier years of my childhood flash before my eyes. Then Pippin. I didn't know the rascal would grow up to be so refined. It feels strange, almost as if I'm not even saying goodbye to them. But now it's your turn, Sam.

For a moment, I think of all the years we've had together. We've been through so much. I had no idea the little bugger whose suspenders I'd adjust because you thought you could dress yourself would end up being Samwise the Brave, the hobbit who saved my life more times than I'd care to count. It was the thought of you, Sam, that kept me going on those rough nights. I would wake up in a sweat, but quickly realize you were there, barely loosening your grip on your sword, protecting me, even in your sleep—and I could rest again. It was the thought of you, Sam, that gave me the strength to walk the last steps into Mount Doom. Even when the ring overtook me, a little voice in the depths of my soul screamed at me, "But Sam! What will happen to him!" You were willing to do whatever it took to protect me, to save me, Sam. And I never doubted that you cared for me.

I wrap my arms around you. I've lost count of how many times I've done this over the years, but it feels like it's the first time I'm ever touching you. Your chin digs into my shoulder, as if to try and plant me into the ground. Something about having you pressed up against me reminds me of what I really feel about you, Sam. I rub your cloak, almost rough under my fingers and remember the nights I would stay awake, debating if I should disclose it to you, but dismissed it as a silly phase and never said a word. But it wasn't a silly phase. All I want now is to speak three words to you, but it seems my vocal chords are stopped by impending tears. I release my hold on you and back away slightly. I place a hand on either side of your head and press my lips to your brow. It's the only way I can say what I never told you.

I pull away slightly, my hand still on your shoulder, not wanting to let go. I won't leave you until I see we lock eyes again. I wait. The same eyes that used to shyly glance at Rosie from across the Green Dragon slowly move to meet mine. It seems you almost don't want to look, but you finally give in. Oh Sam.

I turn from you and walk to Gandalf, who is waiting with open arms. I can feel the sea calling me as I step onto the ship. I try to be strong, but without my Sam I can't. I turn around for one last look. I glance at Merry and Pip, but my gaze rests on you, Sam. You nod almost imperceptibly. My dear Sam, you understand. After all these years, you finally understand.

For the first time in what feels like years, I smile. My gaze lingers for a moment as I turn to sail into the West. _Goodbye, Sam_ , I think. But as I look into your eyes one last time, your voice comes into my head, clear as if you were speaking to me. _This ain't a goodbye, Mr. Frodo. I'll always have a part of you in a special place in my heart, where nothin' can ever touch it._ Oh Sam. You've always known, I just didn't realize it. I walk to the end of the ship and lean on the lip. We're moving rapidly away, but I can feel you still standing on the dock. A tear rolls down my cheek and a whisper escapes my throat. I am grateful that no one is close enough to hear me.

"I love you."


End file.
